I posted this on LJ. Then decided to take it off because. I don’t know. Livejournal is the only place that makes me happy these past few months so it’s unfair that I unload all my emo bullshit there. So the few of you here will have to deal because I can’t find it in myself to keep it in any longer.

Also, my mum moved the furniture in my room. Gone are my synthesizer and drums (they’ve been relocated to the living room) and I don’t know. I can’t find anything anymore. I used to know that my pencils were under my stack of notebooks and the cds that I have yet to tack on the wall were hidden behind my bangles but now I don’t know where shit is anymore. My organized chaos has turned into a disorganized thing.

Then, while I was straightening a few books that were facing the wrong direction (don’t ask) in the study, my mum made an off-hand comment saying that it was funny that I could arrange things but not my things. It just added to all this repressed anger/sadness/lethargy/confusion… and I just broke down again. It’s the second time in what? A week or two? And I used to be so good with controlling all the sadness. It was so embarrassing that I had to lock myself in the bathroom just to cry. I’ve been hiding all this for 5 years and fuck. It’s so weak.

So there. A little window as to why I’m fluctuating between highs and lows.

I don’t know what’s wrong. I’m straddling between being normal and knowing that my thoughts aren’t and I get so tired. So so so tired. I know it’s not a bipolar disorder/manic depression because I am aware of how fast I switch moods and it’s all coming from the same me. I’m not suicidal. Fuck if I know anything else. I wish I was narcoleptic if only for the fact that I’d be asleep for so long that I wouldn’t have to think of anything.